How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three Page 8

  “You could say the same about Fred West. Hey, Fred, we know you probably had it tough growing up, so let’s forget about all the kids buried in your back garden and make a fresh start. Hug? It’s no excuse.”

  Jenny rolled over onto her side, her face inches away from mine. “Are you seriously comparing Mandy to a serial killer?”

  “Yes.” I turned to face the other way. “Goodnight.”

  “I don’t think you’re being very fair. I’m sure once she’s had a chance to calm down a bit—”

  I turned back to face her. “No. Whatever you’re going to say, no. What’s going to happen is what always happens when the person you thought was a piece of shit beneath you, turns out to actually be above you. Your ego flips out. If they’re above you and they’re a piece of shit, what does that make you?”

  Jenny was staring into my eyes, but I wasn’t in the mood for romantic thoughts.

  “And everyone around you has seen it. They all know you couldn’t take care of yourself. They saw you needed help from the piece of shit. How can you accept that? You can’t. So you convince yourself the piece of shit only helped you to make himself look good. In fact, you wouldn’t even have needed help if the piece of shit hadn’t got you into this mess in the first place. He shouldn’t be thanked….”

  “He should be punished?”

  “Right. He should be punished, and then everyone will know you are better than a piece of shit. Because that’s how people full of self-loathing make themselves feel better, by making others feel worse. And you know who else feels good when they make others feel bad?”

  “Serial killers?”

  “Now you got it.” I rolled onto my back. “Shit. And now, thanks to you, I can’t sleep.”

  “Oh, well if you need to have a quick shufty, I don’t mind.”

  “Shufty?”

  “You know, the old five knuckle shuffle. I grew up with four brothers, so it doesn’t bother me. Every night the house would be full of that ffft ffft ffft sound. It’s like a bedtime lullaby to me.”

  “Thanks, but I’m not aroused, I’m a—”

  “A gay?”

  “No,” I said. “That’s not what I was going to say.”

  “Are you sure? Because it would explain a lot.”

  I turned my head to look at her. She was grinning like an idiot.

  “The reason I can’t sleep isn’t because I’m aroused or a gay, it’s because all this talk about Mandy has made me annoyed.”

  “I think,” said Jenny, “you’ll find it’s pronounced a nerd.”

  I rolled onto my side so she wouldn’t see the stupid smile on my face. It’s all very well telling yourself you have no chance with a girl and not to bother being interested, but my God was I interested. It made me want to confess my feelings to her, even if it meant getting shot down in flames. Fortunately, I was too knackered and fell asleep before I could make a fool of myself .

  When I woke, I was alone in the tent. I crawled out to find everyone already packing up. They’d let me sleep in because I guess they thought I needed it. I wasn’t going to argue.

  Mandy was up and hard at it too. She seemed a lot calmer than the night before. Whether someone had spoken to her or not, I didn’t know. She didn’t say anything to me, which was good enough.

  We set off at a brisk pace, on the lookout for humans and monsters alike. The long empty road made it hard for anyone to sneak up on us, at least. After many hours of walking, we finally spotted the city in the distance. Unlike Fengarad, there were no spires or tall buildings, there was just one big castle. The sight of our destination buoyed us all and gave us a boost of energy.

  It took several more hours to get close enough for a proper look at the city. It turned out there were city walls with a castle rising in its midst as though it was built on a hill, which was strange since there were no hills in Flatland (as the name suggested).

  But that was a mystery I could look into later. Our first priority was to get inside. There was a large gate, but unlike Fengarad, there was no queue to get in. People were flowing in and out freely.

  Watching over them were the city guards. Their uniforms looked familiar—the same as the two men who had attacked Mandy. I looked at the others; they’d made the same observation. We would have to be careful, not draw attention to ourselves and have an exit strategy in place, just in case. But before I could say anything, Mandy’s eyes lit up and she started bouncing up and down.

  “Sonny! Sonny!”

  I turned to where she was waving and calling. Sitting on a huge stallion, dressed in the same colours as the guards, was the antipodean dickhead we’d left behind near Probet. He had seen Mandy and was waving back. He hadn’t spotted the rest of us, but he would. I’m not a psychic, but I had a premonition this would not be a happy reunion.

  12. Welcome To Dargot

  Mandy ran towards Sonny who jumped down from his horse and embraced her. Also watching this reunion were a dozen or so soldiers on horseback. They were covered in dust and grime but that did nothing to hide the air of menace they exuded. The only thing worse than a vicious thug is a vicious thug in uniform.

  Each was built like brick shit-house and had the face of man who would kill you if he could be bothered, so probably best not to bother him.

  “You guys know Sonny,” I said to Jenny.

  “Yes. We met him in Fengarad. He was close with Tin and Dag.”

  Great.

  “Not a big fan?” asked Jenny.

  As Sonny and Mandy excitedly exchanged words, his face transformed from delight to shock to sadness. Mandy pointed over to us, and then Sonny’s face took on a whole new visage. I guess you could call it fury.

  “Not exactly. By the way, I’m kicking you out of the group. If Sonny asks, we just escorted you here.”

  “No,” said Jenny. “I’m with you guys.” She said it in a very matter of fact manner.

  Maurice appeared next to me. “We could leave.”

  He was right. We could turn around and walk away, the kind of walking you do when your legs move very fast, but where would we go? And that was only if Sonny allowed it. There was no way we could outrun him and any kind of fight would end badly for us.

  “Let’s head into the city. Hopefully, he won’t start anything in front of all these people.” I started walking towards the city gate with the others close behind me. And I mean really close.

  We didn’t get far before Sonny called out. “Stop! I need to speak to you.”

  “What is it, Sonny? What do you want?” In an attempt to cover up my nervousness I may have overcompensated and gone belligerent. Would have sounded even more confrontational if my voice hadn’t jumped two octaves.

  The Dirty Dozen on horseback straightened in their saddles, although they might have just been wondering about the strange boy with the falsetto.

  Sonny ignored me and looked across to Jenny. “Jen, love, I’m so sorry about Tin and the others. You must be heartbroken.”

  I didn’t know what Mandy had told him, but it didn’t sound like he knew what had really happened. Which was a relief.

  He turned his attention back to me. “Mandy tells me you encountered the lizardmen.” Sonny spoke through gritted teeth but in quite a formal manner, like he was dealing with us in an official capacity. “You’ll have to come with us to be debriefed.”

  On the surface of it he sounded quite reasonable. He just wanted to get a report on what we’d seen for the security of the city. But I wasn’t in any hurry to be alone in some backroom with him. His strangely restrained manner made me think he was putting on a show, either for the men behind him or for the people who had stopped to watch out of curiosity.

  “No thanks,” I said. “We already have plans.”

  “It wasn’t a request, mate,” said Sonny. “There’s a war going on, in case you hadn’t noticed. The information you have could be important.”

  “Yes,” I said, “it could. And once we’ve sorted ourselves out I’ll be sure
to report what we know to the proper authorities, which I’m pretty sure isn’t you, you fuckwit.”

  Maybe it would have been wiser to not aggravate the situation, but Sonny was going out of his way to present himself as calm and collected, which made me think the best way to handle things was to go in the opposite direction.

  “Last time we met,” I continued, “you were in the Fengarad army. They get attacked and suddenly you’re in the Dargot army. I guess if the lizardmen head up this way, you’ll join the fucking navy.”

  The crowd murmured and muttered their opinions on the drama unfolding in front of them. I could have sent Maurice round with a hat and made a small fortune. The soldiers on horseback had all become much more interested in our conversation, but none of them had made any kind of move to get involved. Yet.

  Sonny’s face turned bright red. “I’m here to help liberate Fengarad. I know we’ve had our differences, but this isn’t the time or place. Mandy’s told me how you helped her and Jenny after the lizardmen ambushed them, so I’m going to let bygones be bygones. There are bigger things at stake here than you and me.”

  It seemed Mandy had told him Tin and the others had died at the hands of the lizardmen. I looked at her and she stared right back, her face saying, “This is me repaying my debt.” If she thought this made us even, fair enough. In a roundabout way, she probably had saved my life by not telling Sonny the truth.

  It was good that Sonny was unaware of our role in their deaths, but I still had no intention of going anywhere with him.

  “We’ll handle things the way we think best,” I said. “It’s got nothing to do with you, so go on about your business, and we’ll do the same.” I waved him away with both hands.

  “You really want to make this as awkward as possible, don’t you?” said Sonny. “Well, okay, mate, have it your way. Feddon, have the men dismount. We’re taking these guys into custody.”

  The largest and ugliest of the soldiers raised a hand and shouted, “Dismount!”

  All the soldiers dismounted and drew their swords. I didn’t bother doing the same since it wouldn’t have helped. There was no way we would win in a fight.

  Feddon stopped when he was level with Sonny. “You sure about this? They are Visitors. We don’t actually have the authority to apprehend them unless we see them commit a crime.”

  Sonny didn’t appear pleased to have his orders questioned. “Fengarad is under siege and the surrounding area is crawling with lizardmen, but somehow these galahs made it out in one piece. You think that isn’t suspicious? Plus, there’s no way Tin and Dag got killed by a bunch of lizards, not unless they had some help.”

  “Are you saying we’re fighting with the lizardmen?” Even I couldn’t believe his cheek. “Are you nuts?”

  “That isn’t true,” said Jenny.

  “Sonny, you’ve got it wrong,” chipped in Mandy.

  “I don’t know what happened to you two girls. Maybe he threatened you, maybe he’s just got you fooled, but I know the kind of shit he’s capable of, believe me. He killed my fucking horse!”

  “No, I didn’t,” I said. “You killed your horse. When you let that ogre eat it to save your own neck. And the rest of your accusations are all bullshit. You weren’t there, how the fuck do you know what happened?”

  The men behind him seemed hesitant to carry out his orders, but they would eventually if I didn’t find a way out of this predicament soon. I stuck my hand inside my jacket and took out the contents of the inside pocket.

  “And we have this. The Key to Fengarad.” I held up the golden key.

  “That doesn’t mean anything here,” snorted Sonny.

  “It means we are under the protection of the King of Fengarad. You attack us, you attack the City of Fengarad.” I had no idea if that was true, but it sounded good.

  The soldiers looked unsure of themselves. It was working, but only as a stalling tactic.

  “Don’t listen to him,” said Sonny. “He’s lying. The key’s obviously a fake. Look at it.”

  The key, I had to admit, didn’t look all that impressive. Commander Ducane had given it to us and it had been sitting in a box for years before that. It was old and its lustre had faded. The soldiers began to advance towards us.

  “That very clearly is not a fake,” said a quiet and gentle voice. And then the atmosphere changed from tense to something closer to terror.

  All the people who had stopped to watch suddenly started moving. They couldn’t get away fast enough. As they left, a short man, also in Dargot military uniform, was revealed. He had small circular glasses on a round, avuncular face.

  The soldiers who had a moment ago appeared to be a rabble about to beat the crap out of us were now standing to stiff attention.

  “Ah, Colin, if I’d known you were arriving today I would have been here to meet you.” He seemed to know me, although I had no idea who he was. But there was something about the way he carried himself, the way he spoke, that demanded attention. And most of all, there was the uniform.

  In most armies, you can tell how important someone is by their get up. The higher up the chain of command you go, the more ornate the outfit. Gold braid, fringes, bigger hats, extra bells and whistles. It’s fairly obvious who’s in charge. But there is one kind of uniform that trumps them all. It isn’t particularly flashy or colourful. In fact, it’s usually the opposite; practical, unfussy, plain. But if you look closely, there will be a small insignia somewhere, maybe on the cuffs or the collars, that gives away the function of their unit. A skull.

  The skull is there to say, Don’t mind me, I’m just here to kill you all. Secret police, death squad, Ministry of Information—the titles can vary, but the job is the same. Scare the shit out of everyone.

  In this case, the skull was embroidered very beautifully onto each shoulder, with a lightning bolt slicing it in two.

  He stopped next to the petrified soldiers. “Ah, Feddon. Nice to see you again.”

  “Thank you, Lord Administrator,” said the previously formidable brute. He now shook in his boots like a newborn Bambi. “Very nice to see you too.”

  “And how are the wife and children? Good, I trust. You’re eldest, Tiffia, is it? She must be getting on to fifteen now. How time flies, eh? Let’s hope she grows up to be as delightful a woman as her lovely mother.”

  “Yes, Lord Adminstrator. Thank you, Lord Adminstrator.”

  On the surface of it you’d think it was just polite small talk, but the look in Feddon’s eyes was pure panic. He seemed to be begging, “No, please, not my daughter. I’ll do anything just leave her be...”

  The Lord Administrator smiled genially and moved on, much to Feddon’s obvious relief.

  “Captain, good to have you back. I hope your mission was fruitful.”

  “Yes, Lord Administrator,” said Sonny. Even he seemed subdued in this small man’s presence.

  “You should probably go file your report. Immediately, if not sooner.” It was said in an almost jokey manner, and yet it was less a suggestion and more an absolute command.

  “Yes. I was just going to take care of—”

  “No need to worry about your friends. I’ll make sure they’re taken care of.” He turned to us. “Please, allow me to welcome you to Dargot. You will join me for dinner, yes?” A response was not required, the decision had already been made. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions about our wonderful city. And I have a lot of questions for you. Oh, and Captain…”

  Sonny and his men had climbed back onto their horses. “Yes, Sir?”

  “After you’ve filed your report, why don’t you join us? I’m sure you’ll want to catch up with your fellow Visitors.”

  Sonny’s face paled. “Thank you, Lord Administrator.”

  “It’ll just be an informal affair, no need to bring anything. Or anyone.” I’d thought the Dirty Dozen were menacing. This guy made them all look like a bunch of adorable tykes. Especially now that they were all grinning at each other and bumping fists. Not
getting invited to dinner was apparently cause for celebration.

  “I’ll look forward to it,” said Sonny like he was swallowing broken glass. He flicked the reins and headed through the city gates, followed by some very happy thugs.

  “Ah, alone at last,” said our new friend. And we were. The whole area, which had been teeming with people a few seconds ago, was now completely deserted.

  It was hard to know if we should be grateful for his intervention, or just take our chances and run for it. He only had little legs, he’d never catch us.

  He must have seen me sizing him up. “You’d never outrun the dogs.”