How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three Page 6

  “And how many people have survived this labyrinth?” I asked

  “To date? Mmm.... none. But I have a good feeling about you. You… I like your chances. It would have been more fun to have you discover the deception for yourselves, but now I suppose we’ll have to just throw you in there. Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you for ruining our plans. I’m more disappointed in myself for not being more convincing.”

  The trolls around him started to make sounds of dissent. It sounded like a landslide.

  “No, no, it’s true,” insisted Raviva. “I was outplayed, fair and square.”

  “Don’t you think it’s a bit unsportsmanlike?” I said. “Sending us into a deathtrap and watching us die?”

  “You misunderstand. We will be in there too, risking our lives just as you are. It’s a battle of wits. A contest between two determined opponents, to the very end.”

  “Yeah, that you always win. Where’s the challenge? It’s obvious the game’s rigged, so if you put us in there, I think our best option will be to find somewhere to sit down and slowly starve to death. I don’t really feel like providing entertainment for cheats.”

  There was some grumbling. Sounded like an avalanche.

  Raviva did not look pleased by the accusation of cheating. “An outrageous slander. We never knowingly give either side an advantage. We fight to the end!”

  “UNTIL THE LAST BREATH IS SPENT!” shouted the trolls. They certainly had the edge when it came to team spirit.

  Meanwhile on Team Colin, Claire was rubbing Mandy’s back. “No, you’re not wrong. He is an idiot. A complete dick.” I wondered if there was a way to switch sides.

  Raviva placed his boulder-like fists on his waist. “If you have a suggestion to level the playing field, I am open to hearing you out. We believe in fair play.” He jutted his chin out. It was a big chin so it was quite a jut.

  “At least give us a real chance,” I said. “You guys pick a champion, we pick a champion. Let us choose the weapons. If we win the battle, we go free. If you win, we do what you say, give you a proper show in your labyrinth.”

  “Hmm. And you will face the labyrinth to the last man?”

  It sounded like previous contestants had bailed once they realised they couldn’t win.

  “Yes. All the way. Trust me, we won’t go down without a fight.”

  “Alright, I accept your terms. Kaceyton!”

  The crowd of trolls parted and a smaller troll came forward. I say smaller, but that was only relative to the other trolls. We were still dwarves by comparison.

  “I do not wish you to think we are trying to stack the odds in our favour. Kaceyton is not the strongest or fastest among us, but a troll is a troll is a troll. And Kaceyton is a troll.”

  “TROLL!” shouted the trolls. Put them in rugby shirts and you could have entered them into the Six Nations, no problem.

  “If you win, you win your freedom.” Raviva grinned, showing off teeth like Stone Henge.

  Kaceyton raised both arms overhead, and then pulled them down into a bodybuilder pose, roaring at us to give it that extra touch of ‘Ima kill you soon’.

  “Okay,” I said, “but you have to fight with the selected weapon. You can’t just throw it away and use your fists because it’s easier. You have to fight with what we decide.”

  Kaceyton nodded. “Whatever the weapon, I will be victorious.” Another roar followed.

  “Choose whichever weapon you like,” said Raviva. “We enjoy playing with toys of all kinds. But first, tell us who is to be your champion? Or will you be putting yourself forward?”

  Like fuck I would. I turned to the others. They all shuffled away from me. I looked past them to where Dudley sat with his back against the wall and Flossie asleep on his chest. He was awake though, eyes wide with fear and rapidly shaking his head from side to side.

  I raised my hand and pointed. “Her. She’s our champion.”

  Flossie woke with a start. All eyes were on her as she said the immortal words the Hero always says when destiny pronounces them as The Chosen One:

  “Why the fook you all looking at me?”

  9. Dungeons & Divas

  It took a couple of tries before Flossie understood the situation. But once she got it, her response was immediate.

  “You can fook right off. Ah ain’t fighting no one.”

  “Now hold on, there,” said Dudley. “You know Colin wouldn’t choose you unless he had a plan. Right, Colin?” He looked at me with an expression that said, “Harm my girl and I will strangle you with your own shitty entrails.” I’m paraphrasing.

  “Of course,” I said like there was nothing to worry about (spoiler alert: there was a lot to worry about). I turned back to Raviva. “So, the weapon of choice will be… voices.”

  Ah, you see. Nobody said it had to be a battle of physical combat. They might have been huge, lumbering sacks of rocks, but how would that help them in a sing-off?

  “You want to challenge us to a singing competition?” said Raviva. “I love it! There’s nothing we trolls love more than a good sing-along. They say I was born yodelling as I came out of my mother. Haha! Prepare the arena!”

  Damn. Rather than be wrong-footed by my surprise choice of weapon, they embraced it.

  Large, squared-off boulders were brought in and placed together to form a stage. The trolls formed a semi-circle around it and sat down. I got the impression this wasn’t the first time they’d done this.

  “Are you sure about this?” said Claire.

  “Worse comes to worse, we have to go through their labyrinth, which we would have had to anyway. At least this way we have of chance of making it out alive. Plus, Flossie has a great voice.”

  “Ooh... Ah don’t like it,” said Flossie. “Ah can’t sing in front of all these people.”

  “You don’t have to. Just sing to Dudley. Right, Dud?”

  “Of course,” said Dudley. “I love your splendid voice. I’ll be right there with you.”

  “What… what song should ah sing?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” I said. “Remember, this is a world where lute music is considered cool. Any song from the last twenty years will blow their minds. Just pick something catchy. But no Celine Dion. We’re trying to avoid bloodshed.”

  Still shaky and a bit pale, Flossie made her way to the side of the stage with Dudley. He left her there and sat down at the very front of the audience, not giving a damn he had a huge, hulking troll on either side of him. The rest of us felt less comfortable squeezing our way to the front and remained standing at the back.

  Raviva got on the stage to a large round of applause. Trolls clapping sounded like hailstones on a glass roof.

  “Okay. It’s that time again. Remember, it’s your votes that count, so give it up long and loud for the one you like. Be fair, be honest. No trolling.”

  There was a smatter of laughter.

  “First up, our very own Kaceeeeeyton.!”

  Raviva jumped off the stage as Kaceyton got on to wild applause and cheers. Home crowd advantage, big time.

  The crowd quieted and Kaceyton began singing in a deep, gravelly voice DMX would have been proud of.

  You wanna crawl in my cave

  I take you on

  You can scuffle in my tunnel

  And I’ll send you home

  Was it me or were these lyrics somewhat suggestive?

  You wanna stick it in my face

  I’ll break it off

  One left, one right

  I bust you in half

  ‘Cause my fists so fast they go

  The trolls responded: BADA BOOM BOOM

  And my hips so fast they go

  Again the trolls joined in: ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM

  When shit is getting heavy

  Like it weighs a ton

  I will split you open

  Just for fun

  Cast you out

  Like a class A magician

  Hammer your hopes

  On my anvil of sub
mission

  And when you get tired and want a rest

  I will pull out your spine

  AND FUCK YOU IN THE NECK

  The crowd joining in on the last line devolved into roars of approval. I thought there was going to be a cave in.

  Oooookay, then. Kind of aggressive lyrics for a singing competition, but for all I knew that passed for a love ballad around here.

  Once the riot had quelled to a minor commotion, Flossie meekly took to the stage. She looked tiny and alone. In short, petrified.

  Dudley started clapping. “You can do it!”

  We joined in, shouting words of encouragement.

  Flossie’s first words were lost in a cough. She cleared her throat and started again. Her voice was very quiet and a bit wobbly. And not in English.

  Najin tasaro inga jogin yoja

  She was singing in Korean. Did I know Korean? No. I couldn’t really tell one Far Eastern language from another, but in this case I recognised the song. I’d told her to sing something catchy, and there are few songs catchier than the one she’d chosen. I thought she might go with something by Beyoncé or Rhianna, but no, she had decided to sing ‘Gangnam Style’.

  Gradually her voice steadied, and after a few lines in, she was belting it out.

  To her credit, she knew all the words, in the original Korean. At least, that’s what it sounded like—I guess she could have been making it up as she went, but it didn’t matter. She had the dance moves down pat. The horse riding, the side-step shimmy, she did all of it, her eyes locked onto Dudley the entire time.

  By the time she got to:

  Hey, sexy lady

  Op, op, op, op

  she was in full swing. The original featured a short, plump Korean, this version with a short, plump Brummie wasn’t so different. In fact it was quite a performance. She was completely lost in the song and drenched in sweat as she bounced around the small stage.

  Oppa Gangnam Style.

  She stopped, out of breath and looking a bit dazed. Dudley sprang to his feet and started clapping.

  “Marvellous, marvellous, bravo!”

  We all joined in of course, but the real surprise was when the trolls also got to their feet and began cheering and clapping. Clearly they had never seen anything like it. No one had. The question, though, was had we won? The response was definitely bigger than Kaceyton’s.

  Raviva got on stage and motioned for everyone to quiet down.

  “Well, that was certainly an amazing performance. So unique. So different. The victory clearly goes to... the humans.”

  Flossie had done it. We were free. Free! Could it really be so easy? No.

  “Now for round two.”

  “Wait,” I called out. “We never agreed to more than one round.”

  “Best of three, of course. What kind of contest would it be otherwise?”

  He had a point. But could Flossie pull it off again?

  “This time, the human will go first. Take it away.”

  Flossie looked even more nervous than the first time. She stood there, staring down at Dudley. The crowd started to get restless.

  “I’ll have to hurry you,” said Raviva.

  Flossie looked towards the back of the room where we were all stood. “Ah can’t think of anything. What should ah sing?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” I shouted back. “First thing that pops into your head. We’re already in the lead.” Her unconventional choice had worked first time, why not again?

  She nodded at me, screwed up her eyes like she was thinking hard, and then opened her mouth. Her voice this time was very high and sharp, but clear as a choirboy’s.

  I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

  And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin problem

  I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

  And yeah I like to fuck I got a fuckin problem

  If finding somebody real is your fuckin problem

  Bring your girls to the crib maybe we can solve iiiiiiiiit

  I didn’t recognise the lyrics, but there was a strange hypnotic rhythm to them.

  I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

  And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin problem

  As she repeated the song, the trolls joined in. A few at first, then the whole lot of them, including Raviva. They weren’t complicated lyrics, just the same few lines over and over, but the crowd sang along like they were the most meaningful words ever spoken.

  I don’t know how many verses she went through, but eventually her voice started to crack and she stopped.

  The trolls went crazy. They cheered and roared and clapped and stomped. Bits of the roof fell around us. Flossie jumped off the stage and ran into Dudley’s arms, mostly to avoid falling debris.

  Kaceyton took to the stage as the noise subsided and in a shaky voice said, “That, that was so beautiful… I can’t… I just can’t…” and then ran off the stage.

  “It seems we have a winner,” said Raviva. “Victory to the humans!”

  There was a round of applause. Fortunately, a little more restrained than the last time.

  “And as promised you will be rewarded. With death!”

  I was stunned. He’d lied. I’d got so caught up in the contest I hadn’t even considered that as a possibility.

  “I’m just trolling!” Raviva laughed. “You are free to go. Congratulations!”

  My legs turned to jelly. I sank down to the ground and put my face in my hands. Fucking trolls.

  10. Gutted

  Raviva offered to guide us out of the caves. Which was great, seeing as how we had no idea of the real layout of the place, but it was hard not to be suspicious of his motives. With trolls, you could never tell what was for real and what was the next hilarious prank. When Jespert had warned us about trolls having terrible sense of humour, he hadn’t been kidding.

  We set off with Raviva at the front and a couple of trolls bringing up the rear. Kaceyton also accompanied us, chatting with Flossie about favourite songs and swapping dance moves. They had become quite good friends, which could prove to be useful later. Or it could be our downfall. Paranoid? You betcha. Not until we were back in the outside world did I intend to let my guard down.

  “It’s been some time since we had such an intense match,” said Raviva as he led us through a maze of tunnels. “Shame we couldn’t keep going,” he leaned towards me, which made me flinch, and whispered loud enough to give my hair a new parting, “but Kaceyton’s always been an emotional girl.”

  Kaceyton was female. You’d be hard pressed to tell her apart from the males (assuming the others were male), but I didn’t say that out loud. I doubted troll women were any less sensitive than human ones when it came to being told they looked like men.

  “It’s so hard finding decent competitors these days,” mused Raviva. “That’s why I was so pleased you were sent to us. Fresh meat is the best meat!”

  Did he meant the figuratively or literally? Probably both.

  “Are you saying the zombers sent us into the tunnels knowing this would happen?” I asked him.

  “Who? Oh, you mean the zombies.” Trolls weren’t too bothered about political correctness, it seemed. “Of course. Normally they send two of their own, but you were sent in their stead. To be honest with you, they rarely pose much of a challenge. Oh they try their best, I mean they have to or everyone they know and love will be killed, but they aren’t the most athletic of people.”

  Yes, I thought, everyone they know and love would be killed by you.

  “So by sending us, they saved themselves?”

  “Such is our agreement. We allow them to live in the crypt above as long as they provide us with contestants on a regular basis.”

  After a nerve racking half-an-hour of wondering if he was leading us into another trap, we finally came to a large cave with an exit to the outside world. We were all very relieved to feel fresh air on our faces. Raviva remained in the mouth of the cave and waved us off.
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br />   “Come back when you fancy a real challenge!” he called after us.

  Yeah. No chance.

  Kaceyton led the trolls in a heartfelt rendition of ‘I love bad bitches…’ as we walked out into the bright sunshine. There were no more horrible surprises. The trolls turned out to be gracious in defeat, although I’m not sure that made up for them being homicidal maniacs.